Vibes

My head is full of thoughts, but the crazy part is I don’t even know where to start.

I’m about to start the beginning of the rest of my life, and for a weekend I was able to have a taste of what that will be like.

I can sum Las Vegas up into one phrase.

“Everything you’ve ever wanted, and everything that will consume you.”

I see why they call this shit “Sin City” It’s not solely because of the access to drugs, gambling or prostitution- it’s literally an open bar to whatever your vice is in life.

Vegas is similar to Atlanta, but it’s like if this shit was a video game Atlanta would be ‘Normal’ mode and Vegas would be ‘Hard as fuck’.

Is it weird that I like this shit though?

I’m aroused by the difficulty of the lifestyle. I loved Atlanta because I always categorized it as the concrete jungle. The city will either make you or break you. I love that, I really do.

I grew up with a “you’re not even supposed to be here” mentality when it came to my spare share of successes, so I always had very few cares in the world.

Eventually I changed my mentality towards success to being habitual instead of accidental, that’s when I began to realize that nothing was by chance- I am exactly where I belong.

You wouldn’t believe me but here’s a true story. Around the age of 13 was probably the toughest years of my life for reasons that we may or may not ever talk about. Anyway, I used to tell my best friend that one day I would get away and move to Nevada, (this is before I knew Las Vegas existed).

He would ask, “Why Nevada?”

I don’t know, it just feels right.  

To my younger self I must say yes.

Yes, it does.

Mumbling

Life is full of Transitions-changes even. The evolution of oneself. I’ve always believed that life always comes full circle and everything happens for a reason. The simple “left instead of right” decisions we make shape us more than we know. It makes you wonder do we consciously make decisions or are our choices preordained by a higher power.

I remember when I used to dream about the things that I’m doing now. It actually makes me emotional and I slightly tear up, because I remember when it was so far away- unbelievable even. I went from an outlandish knucklehead to the golden child. The struggle was hard, but simultaneously beautiful. I used to bottle up all my emotions, and have internal rage against the world. I wouldn’t care to tell my story, because I believed that nobody cared, but people need to hear your story, because we all fight similar battles.

Everyone has a story.

More so, the interactions that you have with people are all a part of your story. Whether on a micro or macro scale those words are written in permanent ink. Whew, I try not to think about it. I actually think a lot, too damn much. Just to think in the next 6 years I’ll be 30 years old, career and family hopefully. That’s crazy to imagine a change of pace like that.

I always thought I’d find the love of my life in college.

To be honest, I probably did. I either fucked it up or the timing wasn’t right (fucked it up). So back to the full circle thing. I feel like I’ve found myself but I don’t truly “understand me” yet. I’m still growing. Yeah, you can grow with somebody and all that jazz but I’m used to being alone to the point that I actually prefer it even if I do peak over my “heavy-artillery stay away from my heart wall” every now and again.

Actually feel like I’m rambling a bit, but sometimes we need to do that. Say the little things that are on our minds. I feel like I’m almost ready to finish my novel. However, I feel like it won’t happen until I’m away from it all. I might write an autobiography too, maybe. Or I’ll just blog about it for my kids. So they can know everything. Read about me when they think about me when I’m gone. Memoir shit. That’d be dope.

“Damn, dad was kinda deep-smooth even”

Haha.

Word.

Bitter Ends & Sweet Beginnings

Everyday that passes you learn that life is more about the intangibles than the materialistic things.

Moments become memories that stay with you for the rest of time. I guess that’s why they say someone will always remember how you made them feel- soul ties, chains and scars.

That’s Deep.

Anyway, I’m about to start a new journey in my life. Which I can’t wait to start but I know I’m going to miss “the now” later on. I’ve always been someone to plan ahead. I would even plan ahead to procrastinate (now that’s dedication).

I’m not scared, at least I don’t think so because I have a plan. Career, school, and personal aspirations revolve around my brain 24/7. I’m hungry for success, but I’ve learned that success is perspective based and subjective to its proprietor. Is it money, station, or family? Or is it simply the pursuit and acquiring happiness. To pass over to the other side with positive vibes and a smile.

I currently feel like the young warrior who has matured enough to leave his home and loved ones behind in order to venture the world. Whether I ultimately create a kingdom yonder or return to help the village prosper after growing is the next chapter.

Either way there’s no easy way to say goodbye, because there’s no guarantee that I’ll ever be back.

Starting over. Thinking of yourself and what you desire to accomplish is somewhat selfish. Emotionally detaching yourself from those around you to make the change easier, purposely viewing the world in black & white. I feel like Atlanta has done all it can for me right now, and Atlanta,

I want to thank you for everything.

Cycles

 

They say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree…

Well ain’t that some shit.

As you grow older you have to eventually stop using your past for an excuse for why you do the things you do, even though your past heavily attributes to the way you are (right?).  As you grow you learn, and your past can’t be “all you know” anymore.

So with that being said, I can’t give you a personal example of a happily married couple that I know. My mother is divorced, my father has been divorced twice, and I feel like deep down he’s vying for a 3peat before its all said and done.

So here I am, hopeless romantic, (emphasize hopeless) not very enticed by the marriage life. Even though I do want to have a family and a few bad ass kids of my own one day. Yeah, I know its feasible to roll away from the bad trends set by those before me. Hell, I’m the first one in the family to go to college, earn a degree and somehow stay outside a prison cell without a plethora of offspring somewhere.

This is different though.

 From what I’ve seen growing up and taking part in these new school “seasonal” relationships-marriage isn’t looking too hot, but I’m definitely down for the bachelor parties. Maybe I haven’t found the one yet, maybe I’ve found the one but the timing was wrong (don’t we love that one), or maybe…I haven’t found myself yet.

Voila.

I am Dexter and this is my laboratory. Feel like I just found gold. No, but I’m really not sure how to tackle this one. You have to be strong enough to be vulnerable, so you can love someone just as much-or even more than you love yourself.

That’s some deep shit.

 Sounds good, but obviously easier said than done. I guess the hardest part is timing. Tomorrow is never promised and you definitely don’t want to be stuck settling because of the intangibles not falling in your favor and you start running out of cards to play. Then when I realize I turn 24 this year, I’m getting old. Not old-old, like young-old. Like when rappers drop the “Lil” out of their name, its time to grow up.

The fast life honestly doesn’t entice me anymore anyway, but its always a question-do you build with someone, or work on yourself then find someone once your ready?

Hope time is on our side either way.

Making Love to Lust

Isn’t this everything you ever wanted?

No.

It’s like you sold your soul and you can’t get it back. 

*cues song

(Yeah buddy rolling like a big shot)

I remember watching this movie when I was younger, I wish I remembered the name. Basically, this young guy sold his soul to the devil for everything he ever wanted, it was to be like a rockstar or something. Long story short, the grass was not green on the other side- at least not for long.

So this isn’t me saying I sold my soul or some shit like that, definitely not on a demonic tip. Just saying, as young men we grow up to peer pressure per say- to have sex which symbolizes our masculinity. It’s like if you weren’t having sex (even at an early age) “something’s wrong with you.”

As humans we get caught in our habits. Our habits become all we know, and we become products of our environment, whether we decide to deter from those situations or essentially become them.

Anyway, back to the love lust making fornicating stuff.

We’ve all had them: things, flings, one night stands and ‘damn I shouldn’t of done thats’.

Ugly truths we reveal about ourselves, to ourselves-and everybody else that finds out about it. Last time I checked love was one of the Seven Deadly Sins, that shit ain’t no joke I thought karma was bad (inserts sarcastic laugh).

Not saying I’m out here “lusting it up” but when does casual sex become lust? If you’re not in a monogamous relationship are you lusting?

If so, we all fucked up.

It’s like a drug, you get really high, then you keep trying to get that initial ‘amazing’ high, but you can’t. So you do it more, you do different shit, but deep down you know it’ll never be the same. You’re numb to it now. You can stop, but you’re afraid to.

Our habits become all we know. 

Like an abusive relationship (stretch comparison) but really, you become comfortable with the situation just because you know what’s going to happen. Like pain tolerance, you’re aware, no surprises.

Hmm, but when you say it like that it sounds so fucked up.

Pun intended. 

Poker Face

It’s crazy how it was “easier when it was harder.”

When they expected nothing of you, and you didn’t have anything to lose. Suddenly, you have the ability to fall. Scary thought huh. We were young and hungry (figuratively and literally) ready to face the world and everyone in it.

We were dreamers in our imagined safe haven that we replaced our realities with. Laughing at our pains with each other to lighten the heartache. A lot of the things I do is for you, knowing that you look up to me- I try to keep my composure. But if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. Seemingly not phased by the trials and tribulations, doing everything we dreamed of.

I remember breaking down…completely. 

Out of work, out of school, and out of money my family abandoned me. I probably couch hopped for a solid two years. Slept in my car a bit too. Real deal homeless shit, you were there too. We lost everything, but we didn’t lose our dreams.

It’s a shame because sometimes I don’t dream anymore, and I have to take myself back to where it all started so I don’t forget. I even went a month without eating meat, and it was tough, and I was hungry as hell, but I somehow took myself back to that place.

We always want the future to come without enjoying the present. Whether if things are good or bad, because we sometimes forget it can always be worse- and it can always get better.

I guess those are my words of encouragement for today.

 

Well, well. Sounds good don’t it.

Reminder

Its like every once in a while you begin to wonder who you really are.

I wouldn’t call it a mid-life crisis because I haven’t personally hit a quarter century yet but I guess it’s the “next best thing” (inserts sarcastic laugh).

Sometimes the memories start to feel better than the present. I guess cause the numbness eventually takes over. Then you begin to clutch onto the ideals that you had before you were tainted by the world.

Damaged goods, good and damaged.

Ain’t that some shit, but really. It’s more about what fuels you. That’s where you have to be careful. At the age of 16 I got my first tattoo on Simpson Road In Atlanta, in the kitchen of my pops current fling. Terrible decision, I touched it up later though (reinserts sarcastic laugh). Continuing on, the tattoo said, “Save Me From Myself.” The tattoo buddy looked at me and said, “you must be going through some shit.” I barely responded. I gave him that, “yeah, obviously look.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was fueled by so much emotion that it got out of control. Not portrayed by the tattoo within itself, but It was sign-a reminder even, that I was my own worse enemy, but at the same time all I needed was that enemy.

Fueled by emotions until I couldn’t feel-anymore. Fueled by pain, but what happens when it doesn’t hurt anymore?

You begin to wonder who you really are.

Then you come across those who attempt to understand you, love you even. But you’re damaged goods, good and damaged.

However, you do have story worth telling.

As long as someone is patient enough to listen.